Whether you would have kids one day was never a question that crossed your mind, but more as to when you would have kids. You have had names picked out from age 13. It’s always been your lifelong dream but it has been down on the long term goal list. You want to finish college, get married, start and be more comfortable in your career and then fufill your lifetime dream of being a mom. But when the “perfect” time comes, your own body betrays you.
One trip to the gynecologist to discuss your failure to conceive leads to tests, tests and more tests. One test with bad results which leads to another with good results, just to lead to another with bad. Feeling that you should have more answers after months and months of doctors appointments.
And the anxiety with every pregnancy test taken, feeling the beating in your chest as you wait for the positive result. You can see the excitement in your husbands, your parents, and siblings eyes as you tell them the good news. But you never get it. Instead you have to tell your husband again, it was negative. To see the disappointed look in his eyes, is the worst part. As you try to act strong like it doesn’t bother you, tears swell up in your eyes, making you afraid to blink.
And everyone around you is announcing their pregnancy or giving birth. People who never wanted kids are conceiving within a couple months of trying and you secretly envy them. Your mad at yourself for being the type of person that would feel that way when every gift of life is a blessing but you can’t help the emptiness in your heart.
And the questions from people about when you are planning on having kids constantly reminds you of what you are missing. You want to tell them about the issues you have but cannot muster up the words or courage so you smile and shrug it off with some cheesy line like “someday” or “it will happen when it happens.”
Your faith is shaken. At a time you should be leaning more towards God, you have never felt so far away. You know Gods love for you is strong and his timing is perfect, but the sadness in your heart makes it hard to believe.
And your family and friends are so supportive and you are so blessed to have them; but you don’t want to continue to dwell on the subject always bringing people down. They don’t understand that it consumes your every thought. And you cry on your way to and from work alone in your car, just so you can hold it together around people.
And you suddenly have no idea what your purpose is in life. You love being a wife, daughter, sister and friend but you long for more. And your job is great and you love your coworkers but is life only about working if you can’t have kids? Should you travel? All these things running through your mind, thoughts racing often not allowing you to sleep. This is life with infertility.